GOURNES: In a moving display of civic triumph that experts say borders on the miraculous, the Hersonissos Municipal Council successfully put pen to paper on Monday, legally establishing that people should probably not drown on their watch.
The signing ceremony, held at the town hall in Gournes, saw Mayor Zacharias Doxastakis assume the posture of a conquering Roman general. By securing the €624,000 agreement, the municipality has bravely overcome its greatest adversary: its own administrative timeline.
The contract guarantees that starting June 15th—right in the middle of June, the traditional dawn of the Mediterranean summer—beachgoers will finally be allowed to have medical emergencies between the highly specific hours of 10:00 AM and 6:00 PM. Anyone experiencing a crisis at 6:01 PM is advised to reschedule.
- Total Contract Value: €624,407.89 (VAT Included)
- Total Lifeguards Hired: 18 (To cover 18 towers)
- Remaining Personnel: 11 (To drive boats and look important)
Athens Accused of ‘Shining Through Absence’ While Hersonissos Suffered
The path to this triumph was fraught with administrative peril. The municipality revealed that its initial international tender yielded absolutely zero results, a failure blamed on a complex existential paradox where current legislation apparently forbids the existence of actual lifeguards.
Local officials took a sharp detour during the victory announcement to launch a scathing attack on the central government in Athens. According to municipal statements, multiple ministries were fully informed of the impending beachfront crisis, yet they “shone through their absence,” presumably too busy dealing with trivial national matters to help Hersonissos find 29 people who can swim.
“Local government has proven once again that due to our proximity to the sand, we understand how to manage local affairs better than anyone else,” Mayor Doxastakis declared, narrowly avoiding eye contact with the fact that summer began weeks ago. “With great effort and perseverance, we managed to secure a contractor. We are a quality destination.”
An Elite 29-Man Armada
The €624k defense force will consist of 18 tower guards, three boat guards, three boat operators, three patrollers, and two coordinators tasked with watching the people who are watching the people. The contractor is legally obligated to provide high-tech gear, including speedboats, jet skis, and first-aid kits, ensuring that if a tourist is swept away by a rip current, they will be chased down by the most expensive rescue apparatus municipal delays can buy.
Plans are already underway to boldly extend the contract into October, allowing the municipality to claim they protected the beaches long after the tourists have gone home.
Experts agreed this represents a significant improvement over the alternative strategy of posting a sign reading:
“Good luck. The sea is very large.”